And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
