Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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