How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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