I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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