I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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