So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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