3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
