Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
