turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
