My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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