If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
