Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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