when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
