So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
