There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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