Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
