so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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