Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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