would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
