nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
