so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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