Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
