the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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