life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am spending my child support on dildos
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
