why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
