I'm really into asian looking animals
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
