She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
