oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
