Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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