Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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