We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
