don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
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