Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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