Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
