One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
