you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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