On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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