thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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