What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize