go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
