Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
