So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
