There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
