dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize