the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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