first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize