it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
