What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Is this like a preordered booty call?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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