If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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