Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
did you just send me my own nude
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
