I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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