So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
