I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize