I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
