All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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