it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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