he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
