I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
